


Four Months

by Ciwu



Category: Sagas of Sundry, Sagas of Sundry: Dread
Genre: Gen, Mental Health Issues, Mild Gore, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 14:02:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11899263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ciwu/pseuds/Ciwu
Summary: Kayden only lasts four months after the second incident on Black Mountain.





	Four Months

**Author's Note:**

> So I actually wrote this like three weeks ago but I didn't post it anywhere because it seemed like too much. Then One Night Only aired and Taliesin completely confirmed that Kayden was suicidal and had gone to the mountain to die and had serious depression and I was so delighted that I was right that I decided to post this, with a few edits to match things we now know.

Four months.

Kayden lasts four months after the second incident on Black Mountain.

Four months since Tanner died.

In the immediate aftermath, Kayden and Sat are both functionally homeless and Darby’s been on the verge of getting kicked out of the dorms for awhile so they all scrape together enough money for an apartment together. Raina will have to go back to college soon but she helps where she can, driving around town with Kayden to find salvageable furniture on curbsides and hunting through consignment stores and the local Goodwill. Darby and Sat go job hunting and between the two of them, they manage to land jobs at a bookstore and a record store respectively. They don’t pay well, but they pay and that’s the part that matters.

Nobody is going to be living on the street again. If Kayden couldn’t protect them on the mountain, he can at least keep them safe here.

Kayden already had a job, shitty as it was, so he just goes slinking back to his ex-boss who would certainly rather keep the guy already trained than go through the hassle of finding someone new, although his boss is unbearably smug about it. Even so, Kayden sits down one day with a notebook and very carefully maths out how much money the girls make and whether or not it will cover rent and food between just the two of them. He checks and rechecks his math over and over again (he’s never been good at math) but as far as he can tell, it’s a thin margin but they’ll make it. Kayden’s contribution is just extra breathing room.

Kayden doesn’t intend to leave immediately of course. At first, he doesn’t intend to leave at all. In the wake of Tanner’s death, Kayden is aggressively protective of Sat, Darby, and Raina and when the bedroom turns out to be too small to comfortably fit a pair of twin mattresses with any space between them, he and Raina pick up a single king size mattress, jam it into a corner, and all four of them curl up together on it. Surrounded by warmth and heartbeats and limbs thrown over each other, Kayden can’t imagine being anywhere else.

But Kayden _can_ imagine being _nowhere_ else.

By the time Raina goes back to college, there’s an itch between Kayden’s shoulderblades. A little niggling feeling that he isn’t supposed to be here - he’s supposed to be dead, why isn’t he dead? Drinking doesn’t help and Kayden doesn’t want to waste his money on it anyway when every penny he spends that doesn’t go directly to keeping Sat and Darby safe and secure is wasted.

Sat and Darby both notice his restlessness but when they talk to him (and they do talk to him, all of them are paranoid about not talking to each other now it seems), they seem to put it down to the fact that Kayden stopped drinking and doing drugs cold turkey - which to be fair, did absolutely suck. But Kayden doesn’t know how to explain that he isn’t supposed to be here. That he isn’t supposed to be alive and he’s only been forcing himself to keep going because he needed to make sure they were okay. Kayden’s not interested in hearing Sat and Darby tell him that they care about him and he isn’t worthless, least of all because they actually seem to believe it.

By four months, the itch is unignorable. It’s there when he’s at work, trying not to snap at customers at the video store and half hoping one of them will just whip out a gun on him for his bad attitude. It’s there when he’s walking home from work, fantasizing about just taking a few steps to the side and letting a passing car take him out. It’s there when he’s in the shower, imagining himself slipping and cracking his head on the wall. It’s there when he’s cooking dinner, running his fingers over the sharp knife he’s cutting vegetables with and thinking of how easy it would be to trace the vein up his arm with it.

It’s even there when he’s lying in bed, Sat in his arms and Darby’s back pressed against his, and everything should be perfect and still, but all he can think about is how much better off they are now than they were a few months ago and how they don’t really need him anymore and he could just climb up to the roof and walk off the edge and -

For a week or so, he gets hung up on the question of whether or not it’d be better for the girls if they had a body. They never had anything to bury last time. The night they left the mountain, Kayden forced himself to go back to the cave where they lost Tanner, but there was nothing remaining but bloodstains. Far, _far_ too much blood for a person to survive losing, but either the undead took the body somewhere or they… did what zombies do in the movies.

Kayden definitely doesn’t want Sat and Darby to have to deal with the trauma of _finding_ his body. But maybe if the cops find it somewhere and can break the news to them (does he trust any cop in this town to be kind and tell them gently? Will the evening news just call him a teenage punk with a drug problem?), then they could at least have a real funeral. Or would it be better if he just disappeared and let them pretend he’s a dickhead who walked out on them and is out there somewhere in the world living his life? Should he leave a note? Should he _lie_ in the note? Kayden turns it over and over in his head and gets no closer to an answer, which means he gets no closer to doing it.

Ultimately, Raina is the one who pulls the trigger, not that he would ever be so cruel as to tell her that.

Kayden is leaving for work one morning and overhears Darby excitedly talking to Sat in the bedroom about how Raina is going to be in town for Thanksgiving break soon. Sat’s response is muffled but enthusiastic and Darby probably intends to tell Kayden but he has to leave now or he’ll be late for work (again), so she doesn’t get the chance.

It just seems right and fair that Raina will be there to help Sat and Darby. He’ll ruin their Thanksgiving, sure, but they’ll be okay by Christmas.

Kayden doesn’t end up going to work. Instead he goes to the bank and withdraws every penny he owns and closes his account. It’s not a lot of money but it’s something and if he just leaves it in a bundle on the kitchen table for Sat and Darby then his parents can’t try to claim it. He considers pawning some of his more valuable jewelry but Sat may want them for a keepsake so he decides it isn’t worth the extra few bucks he could get for them.

He swings back around to the apartment only when he knows Darby and Sat have both left for work. Kayden changes out of the work clothes he left the apartment in and changes into the clothes he was wearing the night they lost Tanner, save the jacket. Sat likes that jacket too much for him to take it from her forever. He spikes his mohawk and puts on his eyeliner and his nail polish -because the least he can do is leave an attractive corpse -then he digs through the closet to find his military pack. Everything is still in it, from his brass knuckles to his wire cutters, so he slings it over his shoulder and head outs.

Kayden leaves the money on the table and dithers briefly over whether or not to leave a note. He settles on a scrawled “I’m sorry.” At least they can interpret that as they choose. And he _is_ sorry. He’s sorry he isn’t strong enough now and he’s sorry he wasn’t strong enough before and he’s sorry that this is the best he can do for them.

He has no idea where he’s going when he leaves. He just starts walking and considers all the possible places he could go and all the possible ways he could finally end it. There’s something deeply soothing about the idea that he’s really doing this. The itch is still there between his shoulderblades but it lessens with every step he takes.

Kayden must get lost in his head for awhile because when he finally stops walking, he finds himself in front of a familiar fence.

Of course. He hadn’t considered it before but really, where else could he possibly go?

The fence is still cut open - this section of the fence is too out of the way to be commonly patrolled and anyway Kayden’s good at hiding evidence of his criminal mischief. He shoves his way through and then turns around to mask it again, not wanting to leave any sign that might convince the girls to come looking for him on the mountain.

It’s getting to be just dusk as Kayden picks his way through the woods. The last bits of sunlight stream through the tree branches and cast long, eerie shadows around him. In the distance, he can hear wolves howling, which is interesting. Kayden’s never heard of any wolves living in this area and he wonders if the curse on the land was driving animals away. He tightens his grip on his pack and walks faster. Being eaten by wolves sounds like a shitty way to go.

Kayden is forced to get his Maglite out around the time he reaches the burnt research house. There’s nothing in the dark that Kayden is especially afraid of after the last two times he’s been in the woods, but walking into tree branches gets old quickly. The research cabin is no different than the last time he was there, with the roof still caved in and no sign of the tunnel that lead into the mines. Kayden can even still see parts of their bags pinned under logs too heavy to lift. The entire place smells musty and smoky, but it doesn’t smell like blood.

Kayden gives the research cabin a cursory glance over, but there’s nothing there for him so he moves on.

He hadn’t had any particular destination in mind when he ducked through the fence, but at some point while walking he had realized he was heading for the mesa. He’s not sure why other than because it was the last place he felt like he was certain to die and it passed him by again. It was also the last place he saw the Goatman and maybe if he’s lucky, he can still get the big bastard to kill him.

Failing that, Kayden still has his switchblade and the mesa’s already covered in blood anyway.

Except when he reaches the top of the mesa, it _isn’t_ covered in blood.

The medicine wheel is still there but it’s perfectly clean. There’s no sign of the bowl full of blood, no trace of the scuffle or frenzied footfalls in the surrounding dirt, nor any of the marks they’d drawn in the sand. And granted it’s been four months so it’s possible that time and thunderstorms have washed the mesa clean, but it all seems a little too neat.

Kayden finds a small outcropping of stone and shrugs off his pack to sit with his back pressed against the rock, staring at the medicine wheel a foot or so in front of him. He turns off the Maglite and stows it away, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness.

“You were supposed to kill me, you piece of shit,” Kayden says to the empty air. “Not him, not any of them. Just me.”

Not even the wind answers him.

“If you’re out there, I’m all yours. I’m done with this shit. I should have died the first time and maybe if I had, the rest of them wouldn’t have been dumb enough to come back here and Tanner would still be alive.”

Kayden shifts into a sprawl against the rock and rustles around in his pack until he finds his flask. He doesn’t remember when he refilled it but he must have at some point because it sloshes invitingly when he shakes it. He brings it to his mouth and tastes old, shitty whiskey that was so cheap he’s pretty sure the liquor store owner knew he was stealing it and didn’t care enough to stop him.

Kayden chugs the entire flask.

When the last of it has burned its way down his throat, he stares off to his left at the twinkling lights of the town in the distance. Sat and Darby have definitely gotten home by now. They’re probably out looking for him but even if they knew exactly where he was, it would take them hours to reach him here. He’s still got time.

He just has to work up the nerve. Plenty of time.

Kayden grips the flask in a sudden fury and hurls it off the mesa. “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO THIS FOR ME, YOU FUCK!”

There’s no reply and Kayden slumps back against the rock.

Fine. _Fine_. Kayden’s a lot of things (drunk, druggie, easy, stupid, angry, violent, killer, worthless) but he’s never been a coward.

The switchblade will work just as well as any Goatman. He pulls it out of his pack, flicks it open, and doesn’t let himself hesitate.

When he’s done, he chucks the switchblade in the direction of the medicine wheel, where it lands just off center. Kayden leans back and stares up at the stars. His arms hurt and he doesn’t know how long this is supposed to take. He can’t tell if it’s the alcohol or the blood loss that’s making him dizzy. He knows he’s sitting down but he feels like he’s falling upwards towards the sky - like the vast blackness of space is pulling him in.

He feels like he’s flying.

He feels like…

_He feels…_

In his dreams, he is not alone on the mesa.

There is something tall and lanky looming over him. Kayden can’t see its face. He can’t lift his own head up for some reason. What he can see of it doesn’t look human. Its body proportions are wrong, with its arms hanging too low at its sides and the legs bending at strange angles.

The creature stoops and grabs his wrists with too-long fingers tipped with claws. Now lower to the ground, Kayden can see that its ribcage is cracked open, its internal organs exposed, though strangely, they don’t seem inclined to fall out even as the creature bends forward.

He still can’t see its head but he knows it has one because it lifts and pulls one of Kayden’s arms toward it and he can feel a long tongue lap at the blood that’s sluggishly pumping out of Kayden’s body. Eventually, it drops his arm back into his lap and lifts the other to its mouth instead.

Kayden isn’t afraid. What’s the point of being afraid? He came here to die. Maybe he’s already dead. If something wants to eat him then that’s fine - he isn’t going to be doing anything with his body anyway.

The creature continues licking at his wrists and Kayden opens his mouth to try to speak but the words don’t come. He doesn’t know what he wants to say. Enjoy the meal? His tongue feels fat and heavy in his mouth and just trying to force sound out takes a monumental effort. The only thing he manages to slur out is “Tnr.”

The creature stops.

It drops his other arm and the claws come up to grasp his shoulders instead. It leans forward and the weight of the creature bearing down on him is less than Kayden expected it to be. For as big as it is, it almost feels… hollow. Kayden still cannot see the head that brushes past his own but he can feel the bony muzzle that slides across his scalp towards his ear.

The creature says something to him. They are words. They’re even English words. They form complete sentences and coherent thoughts.

And Kayden has no idea what any of them are.

The words slip through his brain like water through a strainer, leaving behind only impressions of emotion - loneliness and anger and regret and sorrow. Kayden would like to tell the creature that he already feels enough of those emotions on his own, thank you. But mostly Kayden is just tired and wishes this thing would let him sleep.

( _Isn’t he sleeping already? Isn’t he dreaming? Why is he so tired?_ )

When the creature finishes speaking, it leans back and lets its claws drift from Kayden’s shoulders to his throat. For a moment, he thinks it’s going to slash him open or crush his windpipe, but the claws just linger over his pulsepoint for a long moment before moving away. It rises back to its full height and just stands there, hovering over him.

The creature says something to him again and this time the words are almost… fond? They rattle around in his head even as they make no sense to his exhausted mind.

If the creature leaves, Kayden doesn’t see it. It’s too hard to keep his eyes open and he just wants to rest.

So he does.

When Kayden comes to consciousness again, he has no idea where he is. There’s dim morning light beaming directly into his eyes and his mouth tastes like he drank drain cleaner. He’s hungry and he kind of needs to take a piss and also his arms hurt like a _bitch_.

It hits him very suddenly that he wasn’t supposed to wake up.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he says to no one. Bitter anger surges through him. He can’t even kill himself properly. What a fucking failure he is.

He looks over to where he threw his switchblade, trying to decide if he has enough time and patience to try that shit again or if he should just hurl himself off the -

His switchblade is gone.

Instead of Kayden’s switchblade, sitting in the exact center of the medicine wheel is a skull.

It’s not a goat skull. Kayden’s far more familiar with those than he’d like to be. This has a similar shape except for one striking difference. The massive crown of antlers marks this as a stag’s skull and it’s staring directly at him.

The dream comes back to him in fragments. Most of it is a dizzying and nonsensical blur but what he does remember is a voice - unlike anything he’d ever heard before and yet perfectly familiar - saying “Go home, Kayden. You are too loved to die here.”

Kayden isn’t sure how long he stares at the stag skull before he hears shouting in the distance. The voices are indistinct but they’re definitely female and they sound like they might be yelling his name.

Kayden doesn’t have the necessary energy to yell back, nor even to get up and go meet them. He does manage to summon up enough willpower to reach out for the stag skull and drag it into his lap however. It’s solid under his fingers, picked clean and white. Something about it is comforting and he rubs his fingers back and forth over the smooth bone.

The girls will find him here. There’s nowhere else on the mountain to go.

(Much later, when the crying and yelling has stopped, Darby will quietly tell Kayden a story about how she and Sat kept seeing something out of the corner of their eyes as they ran through the woods. It didn’t move quite like a man or an animal and she thought it was the Goatman at first, but the horns were all wrong. Whatever it was, it always seemed to be steering them towards shortcuts and safer routes towards the mountain.)

For now, Kayden does the only thing he can do - he keeps breathing.

**Author's Note:**

> The monster is a Wendigo - a creature of greed and loneliness and unfulfilled want. And also cannibalism. Dunno who on this mountain has ever been eaten alive...


End file.
